I Love You, but No

For many people, summer holds anticipation of fun vacation time with family and loved ones.  For others, summer holds anticipation of the dreaded vacation with family and those we work to love.  No matter what your anticipation, boundaries are an amazing thing to pack into your beach bag.

I consistently work with clients who have always thought they understood and held boundaries, only to realize, they have been people pleasing instead.  So what is a boundary?  I love drawing visuals for my clients so imagine yourself standing in your yard with a picket fence around you

The gate in the fence allows people to chat with you and for you to open the gate and let them in.  Remember, you let them in, they don’t get to come in without the invitation.  They come in, enjoy the yard and your home, and then leave when you decide it is time.  They don’t get to take up any more real estate than you allow.

If, however, you invite them into your yard and they spray paint your house, they have to go!  You have set a boundary.  Come in, enjoy our time, but treat me the way I want to be treated or I will ask you to leave.

A boundary is not “you can’t spray paint my house” because in fact, they just did.  What it does sound like is, “if you don’t respect my home, yard and me, I will escort you out of my yard and won’t choose to spend time with you.”  It is an IF YOU THEN I statement.

A boundary is not telling your teenager “you can’t talk to me that way,” this is disempowering because they just spoke to you in a way you didn’t like.  What a boundary with your teen does sound like is “if you continue to talk to me that way, I will leave the room” or whatever your “I will” statement is.

We cannot control other people, and in trying to do so is where our suffering happens.  We believe people should act differently and perhaps that is even true, yet they still get to show up however they choose to just like you do.

When we try to control or tell people how they have to act, we argue with reality and create our own suffering.  Releasing this is where true freedom lies and where a boundary can be set from love and not control.

Loving yourself enough to offer “I love you, but no” is a place to begin building fences with gates for people to open and not walls of brick and mortar to keep people out.  We no longer have to feel that we need to “protect ourselves” as our boundaries are there to do it for us.

Need help setting a boundary?  Reach out, I am here to help.